CloudBot/plugins/violence.py

from util import hook
import re
import random


slaps = ["slaps <who> with a <item>.",
        "slaps <who> around a bit with a <item>.",
        "throws a <item> at <who>.",
        "chucks a few <item>s at <who>.",
        "grabs a <item> and throws it in <who>'s face.",
        "launches a <item> in <who>'s general direction.",
        "sits on <who>'s face, while slamming a <item> into their crotch.",
        "holds <who> down and repeatedly whacks them with a <item>.",
        "prods <who> with a flaming <item>.",
        "picks up a <item>, and whacks <who> with it.",
        "ties <who> to a chair and throws a <item> at them.",
        "hits <who> on the head with a <item>."]

items = ["cast iron skillet",
        "large trout",
        "baseball bat",
        "wooden cane",
        "CRT monitor",
        "diamond sword",
        "physics textbook",
        "television",
        "mau5head",
        "five ton truck",
        "roll of duct tape",
        "book",
        "cobblestone block",
        "lava bucket",
        "rubber chicken",
        "gold block",
        "fire extinguisher",
        "heavy rock",
        "chunk of dirt"]

larts = ["swaps <who>'s shampoo with glue.",
        "installs Windows on <who>'s computer.",
        "forces <who> to use perl for 3 weeks.",
        "registers <who>'s name with 50 known spammers.",
        "resizes <who>'s console to 40x24.",
        "takes <who>'s drink.",
        "dispenses <who>'s email address to a few hundred 'bulk mailing services'.",
        "pokes <who> in the eye.",
        "beats <who> senseless with a 50lb Linux manual.",
        "cats /dev/random into <who>'s ear.",
        "signs <who> up for AOL.",
        "downvotes <who> on Reddit.",
        "enrolls <who> in Visual Basic 101.",
        "sporks <who>.",
        "drops a truckload of support tickets on <who>.",
        "judo chops <who>.",
        "sets <who>'s resolution to 800x600.",
        "formats <who>'s harddrive to fat12.",
        "rm -rf's <who>.",
        "stabs <who>.",
        "makes <who> learn C++.",
        "steals <who>'s mojo.",
        "strangles <who> with a doohicky mouse cord.",
        "whacks <who> with the cluebat.",
        "sells <who> on EBay.",
        "drops creepers on <who>'s house.",
        "throws all of <who>'s diamond gear into lava.",
        "uses <who> as a biological warfare study.",
        "uses the 'Customer Appreciation Bat' on <who>.",
        "puts <who> in the Total Perspective Vortex.",
        "casts <who> into the fires of Mt. Doom.",
        "gives <who> a melvin.",
        "turns <who> over to the Fun Police.",
        "turns over <who> to Agent Smith to be 'bugged'.",
        "takes away <who>'s internet connection.",
        "pushes <who> past the Shoe Event Horizon.",
        "counts '1, 2, 5... er... 3!' and hurls the Holy Handgrenade Of Antioch at <who>.",
        "puts <who> in a nest of camel spiders.",
        "makes <who> read slashdot at -1.",
        "puts 'alias vim=emacs' in <who>'s /etc/profile.",
        "uninstalls every web browser from <who>'s system.",
        "locks <who> in the Chateau d'If.",
        "signs <who> up for getting hit on the head lessons.",
        "makes <who> try to set up a Lexmark printer.",
        "fills <who>'s eyedrop bottle with lime juice.",
        "casts <who> into the fires of Mt. Doom.",
        "gives <who> a Flying Dutchman.",
        "rips off <who>'s arm, and uses it to beat them to death.",
        "pierces <who>'s nose with a rusty paper hole puncher.",
        "pokes <who> with a rusty nail.",
        "puts sugar between <who>'s bedsheets.",
        "pours sand into <who>'s breakfast.",
        "mixes epoxy into <who>'s toothpaste.",
        "puts Icy-Hot in <who>'s lube container.",
        "straps <who> to a chair, and plays a endless low bitrate MP3 loop of \"the world's most annoying sound\" from \"Dumb and Dumber\".",
        "tells Dr. Dre that <who> was talking smack.",
        "forces <who> to use a Commodore 64 for all their word processing.",
        "smacks <who> in the face with a burlap sack full of broken glass.",
        "puts <who> in a room with several heavily armed manic depressives.",
        "makes <who> watch reruns of \"Blue's Clues\".",
        "puts lye in <who>'s coffee.",
        "introduces <who> to the clue-by-four.",
        "tattoos the Windows symbol on <who>'s ass.",
        "lets Borg have his way with <who>.",
        "signs <who> up for line dancing classes at the local senior center.",
        "wakes <who> out of a sound sleep with some brand new nipple piercings.",
        "gives <who> a 2 gauge Prince Albert.",
        "forces <who> to eat all their veggies.",
        "covers <who>'s toilet paper with lemon-pepper.",
        "fills <who>'s ketchup bottle with Dave's Insanity sauce.",
        "forces <who> to stare at an incredibly frustrating and seemingly never-ending IRC political debate.",
        "knocks two of <who>'s teeth out with a 2x4.",
        "removes Debian from <who>'s system.",
        "switches <who> over to CentOS.",
        "uses <who>'s iPod for skeet shooting practice.",
        "gives <who>'s phone number to Borg.",
        "posts <who>'s IP, username(s), and password(s) on 4chan.",
        "forces <who> to use words like 'irregardless' and 'administrate' (thereby sounding like a real dumbass).",
        "tickles <who> until they wet their pants and pass out.",
        "replaces <who>'s KY with elmer's clear wood glue.",
        "replaces <who>'s TUMS with alka-seltzer tablets.",
        "squeezes habanero pepper juice into <who>'s tub of vaseline.",
        "forces <who> to learn the Win32 API.",
        "gives <who> an atomic wedgie.",
        "ties <who> to a chair and forces them to listen to 'N Sync at full blast.",
        "forces <who> to use notepad for text editing.",
        "frowns at <who> really, really hard.",
        "jabs a hot lighter into <who>'s eye sockets.",
        "forces <who> to browse the web with IE6.",
        "takes <who> out at the knees with a broken pool cue.",
        "forces <who> to listen to emo music.",
        "lets a few creepers into <who>'s house.",
        "signs <who> up for the Iowa State Ferret Legging Championship.",
        "attempts to hotswap <who>'s RAM.",
        "dragon punches <who>.",
        "puts railroad spikes into <who>'s side.",
        "replaces <who>'s Astroglide with JB Weld.",
        "replaces <who>'s stress pills with rat poison pellets.",
        "replaces <who>'s crotch itch cream with Nair.",
        "does the Australian Death Grip on <who>.",
        "dances upon the grave of <who>'s ancestors.",
        "farts in <who>'s general direction.",
        "flogs <who> with stinging nettle.",
        "intoduces <who> to the Knights who say Ni.",
        "assigns all of the permissions tickets on the BeastNode support system to <who>.",
        "hands <who> a poison ivy joint."]

kills = ["rips off <who>'s <body> and leaves them to die.",
        "grabs <who>'s head and rips it clean off their body.",
        "grabs a machine gun and riddles <who>'s body with bullets.",
        "sends The Terminator on a mission to retrieve <who>'s <body>.",
        "gags and ties <who> then throws them off a bridge.",
        "crushes <who> with a huge spiked boulder.",
        "glares at <who> until they die of boredom.",
        "stuffs a few TNT blocks under <who>'s bed, and sets them off.",
        "shivs <who> in the <body>.",
        "rams a rocket launcher up <who>'s ass and lets off a few rounds.",
        "crushes <who>'s skull in with a spiked mace.",
        "unleashes the armies of Isengard on <who>.",
        "packs <who> into a SVN repo.",
        "slices <who>'s <body> off with a Katana",
        "throws <who> to Cthulu!",
        "feeds <who> to an owlbear.",
        "turns <who> into a snail, and then salts them.",
        "snacks on <who>'s <body>.",
        "puts <who> into a sack, throws the sack in the river, and hurls the river into space.",
        "goes bowling with <who>'s head.",
        "uses <who>'s <body> as a back-scratcher.",
        "sends <who> to /dev/null!",
        "feeds <who> coke and mentos till they pop!"]

body = ['head',
        'arms',
        'leg',
        'arm',
        '"special parts"']


@hook.command
def slap(inp, me=None, nick=None, input=None, notice=None):
    ".slap <user> -- Makes the bot slap <user>."
    inp = inp.strip()

    if not re.match("^[A-Za-z0-9_|.-\]\[]*$", inp.lower()):
        notice("Invalid username!")
        return

    if inp == input.conn.nick.lower() or inp == "itself":
        target = re.sub ('<who>', nick, random.choice(slaps))
    else:
        target = re.sub ('<who>', inp, random.choice(slaps))
    msg = re.sub ('<item>', random.choice(items), target)
    me(msg)



@hook.command
def lart(inp, me=None, nick=None, input=None, notice=None):
    ".lart <user> -- Makes the bot LART <user>."
    inp = inp.strip()

    if not re.match("^[A-Za-z0-9_|.-\]\[]*$", inp.lower()):
        notice("Invalid username!")
        return

    if inp == input.conn.nick.lower() or inp == "itself":
        target = nick
    else:
        target = inp
    msg = re.sub ('<who>', target, random.choice(larts))
    me(msg)



@hook.command
def kill(inp, me=None, nick=None, input=None, notice=None):
    ".kill <user> -- Makes the bot kill <user>."
    inp = inp.strip()

    if not re.match("^[A-Za-z0-9_|.-\]\[]*$", inp.lower()):
        notice("Invalid username!")
        return

    if inp == input.conn.nick.lower() or inp == "itself":
        target = inp
    else:
        target = nick
    msg = random.choice(kills)
    msg = re.sub ('<who>', target, target)
    msg = re.sub ('<body>', random.choice(body), target)
    me(msg)