163 lines
7 KiB
Python
163 lines
7 KiB
Python
from util import hook
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import re
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import random
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larts = ["swaps <who>'s shampoo with glue",
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"installs windows on <who>'s machine",
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"forces <who> to use perl for 3 weeks",
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"registers <who>'s name with 50 known spammers",
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"resizes <who>'s console to 40x24",
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"takes <who>'s drink",
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"dispenses <who>'s email address to a few hundred 'bulk mailing services'",
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"pokes <who> in the eye",
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"beats <who> senseless with a 50lb Linux manual",
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"cats /dev/random into <who>'s ear",
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"signs <who> up for AOL",
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"enrolls <who> in Visual Basic 101",
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"sporks <who>",
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"drops a truckload of support tickets on <who>",
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"judo chops <who>",
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"sets <who>'s resolution to 800x600",
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"formats <who>'s harddrive to fat12",
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"rm -rf's <who>",
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"stabs <who>",
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"steals <who>'s mojo",
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"strangles <who> with a doohicky mouse cord",
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"whacks <who> with the cluebat",
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"sells <who> on EBay",
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"uses <who> as a biological warfare study",
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"uses the 'Customer Appreciation Bat' on <who>",
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"puts <who> in the Total Perspective Vortex",
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"casts <who> into the fires of Mt. Doom",
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"gives <who> a melvin",
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"turns over <who> to Agent Smith to be 'bugged'",
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"takes away <who>'s internet connection",
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"pushes <who> past the Shoe Event Horizon",
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"counts '1, 2, 5... er... 3!' and hurls the Holy Handgrenade Of Antioch at <who>",
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"puts <who> in a nest of camel spiders",
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"makes <who> read slashdot at -1",
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"puts 'alias vim=emacs' in <who>'s /etc/profile",
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"uninstalls every web browser from <who>'s system",
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"locks <who> in the Chateau d'If",
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"signs <who> up for getting hit on the head lessons",
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"makes <who> try to set up a Lexmark printer",
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"fills <who>'s eyedrop bottle with lime juice",
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"casts <who> into the fires of Mt. Doom.",
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"gives <who> a Flying Dutchman",
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"rips off <who>'s arm, and uses it to beat them to death",
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"pierces <who>'s nose with a rusty paper hole puncher",
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"pokes <who> with a rusty nail",
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"puts sugar between <who>'s bedsheets",
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"pours sand into <who>'s breakfast",
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"mixes epoxy into <who>'s toothpaste",
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"puts Icy-Hot in <who>'s lube container",
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"straps <who> to a chair, and plays a endless low bitrate MP3 loop of \"the world's most annoying sound\" from \"Dumb and Dumber\"",
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"tells Dr. Dre that <who> was talking smack",
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"forces <who> to use a Commodore 64 for all their word processing",
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"smacks <who> in the face with a burlap sack full of broken glass",
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"puts <who> in a room with several heavily armed manic depressives",
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"makes <who> watch reruns of \"Blue's Clues\"",
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"puts lye in <who>'s coffee",
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"tattoos the Windows symbol on <who>'s ass",
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"lets Borg have his way with <who>",
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"signs <who> up for line dancing classes at the local senior center",
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"wakes <who> out of a sound sleep with some brand new nipple piercings",
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"gives <who> a 2 guage Prince Albert",
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"forces <who> to eat all their veggies",
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"covers <who>'s toilet paper with lemon-pepper",
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"fills <who>'s ketchup bottle with Dave's Insanity sauce",
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"forces <who> to stare at an incredibly frustrating and seemingly neverending IRC political debate",
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"knocks two of <who>'s teeth out with a 2x4",
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"removes debian from <who>'s system",
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"uses <who>'s iPod for skeet shooting practice",
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"gives <who>'s phone number to Borg",
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"posts <who>'s IP, username, and password on 4chan",
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"forces <who> to use words like 'irregardless' and 'administrate' (thereby sounding like a real dumbass)",
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"tickles <who> until they wet their pants and pass out",
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"replaces <who>'s KY with elmer's clear wood glue",
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"replaces <who>'s TUMS with alka-seltzer tablets",
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"squeezes habanero pepper juice into <who>'s tub of vaseline",
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"Forces <who> to learn the Win32 API",
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"gives <who> an atomic wedgie",
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"ties <who> to a chair and forces them to listen to 'N Sync at full blast",
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"forces <who> to use notepad for text editing",
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"frowns at <who> really really hard",
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"jabs a hot lighter into <who>'s eye sockets",
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"forces <who> to browse the web with IE6",
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"takes <who> out at the knees with a broken pool cue",
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"forces <who> to listen to emo music",
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"lets a few creepers into <who>'s house",
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"signs <who> up for the Iowa State Ferret Legging Championship",
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"attempts to hotswap <who>'s RAM",
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"dragon punches <who>",
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"puts track spikes into <who>'s side",
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"replaces <who>'s Astroglide with JB Weld",
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"replaces <who>'s stress pills with rat poison pellets",
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"replaces <who>s crotch itch cream with Nair",
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"does the Australian Death Grip on <who>",
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"dances upon the grave of <who>'s ancestors.",
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"farts in <who>'s general direction",
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"flogs <who> with stinging neddle",
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"assigns all of the permissions tickets on the BeastNode support system to <who>",
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"hands <who> a poison ivy joint"]
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slaps = ["slaps <who> with a <item>",
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"slaps <who> around a bit with a <item>",
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"throws a <item> at <who>",
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"grabs a <item> and throws it in <who>'s face",
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"holds <who> down and repeatedly whacks them with a <item>",
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"prods <who> with a flaming <item>",
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"picks up a <item>, and whacks <who> with it",
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"ties <who> to a chair and throws a <item> at them",
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"hits <who> on the head with a <item>"]
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items = ["cast iron skillet",
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"large trout",
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"baseball bat",
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"wooden cane",
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"CRT monitor",
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"physics textbook",
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"television",
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"five tonne truck",
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"roll of duct tape",
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"book",
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"rubber chicken",
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"fire extinguisher",
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"heavy rock",
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"chunk of dirt"]
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@hook.command
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def lart(inp, me = None, nick = None, input=None, notice=None):
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".lart <user> -- Makes the bot LART <user>."
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inp = inp.strip()
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if not re.match("^[A-Za-z0-9_|.-\]\[]*$", inp.lower()):
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notice("Invalid username!")
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return
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if inp == input.conn.nick.lower() or inp == "itself":
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msg = 'slaps ' + nick + ' in the face!'
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else:
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msg = re.sub ('<who>', inp, random.choice(larts))
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me(msg)
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@hook.command
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def slap(inp, me = None, nick = None, input=None, notice=None):
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".slap <user> -- Makes the bot slap <user>."
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inp = inp.strip()
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if not re.match("^[A-Za-z0-9_|.-\]\[]*$", inp.lower()):
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notice("Invalid username!")
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return
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if inp == input.conn.nick.lower() or inp == "itself":
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msg = 'slaps ' + nick + ' in the face!'
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else:
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slap = random.choice(slaps)
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slap = re.sub ('<who>', inp, slap)
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msg = re.sub ('<item>', random.choice(items), slap)
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me(msg)
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