100 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
100 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
smacks {user} in the face with a burlap sack full of broken glass.
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swaps {user}'s shampoo with glue.
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installs Windows Vista on {user}'s computer.
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forces {user} to use perl for 3 weeks.
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registers {user}'s name with 50 known spammers.
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resizes {user}'s console to 40x24.
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takes {user}'s drink.
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dispenses {user}'s email address to a few hundred 'bulk mailing services'.
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pokes {user} in the eye.
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beats {user} senseless with a 50lb Linux manual.
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cats /dev/random into {user}'s ear.
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signs {user} up for AOL.
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downvotes {user} on Reddit.
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enrolls {user} in Visual Basic 101.
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sporks {user}.
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drops a truckload of support tickets on {user}.
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judo chops {user}.
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sets {user}'s resolution to 800x600.
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formats {user}'s harddrive to fat12.
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rm -rf's {user}.
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stabs {user}.
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makes {user} learn C++.
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steals {user}'s mojo.
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strangles {user} with a doohicky mouse cord.
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whacks {user} with the cluebat.
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sells {user} on EBay.
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drops creepers on {user}'s house.
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throws all of {user}'s diamond gear into lava.
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uses {user} as a biological warfare study.
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uses the 'Customer Appreciation Bat' on {user}.
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puts {user} in the Total Perspective Vortex.
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casts {user} into the fires of Mt. Doom.
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gives {user} a melvin.
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turns {user} over to the Fun Police.
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turns over {user} to Agent Smith to be 'bugged'.
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takes away {user}'s internet connection.
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pushes {user} past the Shoe Event Horizon.
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counts '1, 2, 5... er... 3!' and hurls the Holy Handgrenade Of Antioch at {user}.
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puts {user} in a nest of camel spiders.
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puts 'alias vim=emacs' in {user}'s /etc/profile.
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uninstalls every web browser from {user}'s system.
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signs {user} up for getting hit on the head lessons.
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makes {user} try to set up a Lexmark printer.
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fills {user}'s eyedrop bottle with lime juice.
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casts {user} into the fires of Mt. Doom.
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gives {user} a Flying Dutchman.
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rips off {user}'s arm, and uses it to beat them to death.
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pierces {user}'s nose with a rusty paper hole puncher.
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pokes {user} with a rusty nail.
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puts sugar between {user}'s bedsheets.
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pours sand into {user}'s breakfast.
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mixes epoxy into {user}'s toothpaste.
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puts Icy-Hot in {user}'s lube container.
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forces {user} to use a Commodore 64 for all their word processing.
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puts {user} in a room with several heavily armed manic depressives.
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makes {user} watch reruns of "Blue's Clues".
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puts lye in {user}'s coffee.
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tattoos the Windows symbol on {user}'s ass.
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lets Borg have his way with {user}.
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signs {user} up for line dancing classes at the local senior center.
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wakes {user} out of a sound sleep with some brand new nipple piercings.
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gives {user} a 2 gauge Prince Albert.
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forces {user} to eat all their veggies.
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covers {user}'s toilet paper with lemon-pepper.
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fills {user}'s ketchup bottle with Dave's Insanity sauce.
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forces {user} to stare at an incredibly frustrating and seemingly never-ending IRC political debate.
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knocks two of {user}'s teeth out with a 2x4.
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removes Debian from {user}'s system.
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switches {user} over to CentOS.
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uses {user}'s iPod for skeet shooting practice.
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gives {user}'s phone number to Borg.
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posts {user}'s IP, username(s), and password(s) on 4chan.
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forces {user} to use words like 'irregardless' and 'administrate' (thereby sounding like a real dumbass).
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tickles {user} until they wet their pants and pass out.
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replaces {user}'s KY with elmer's clear wood glue.
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replaces {user}'s TUMS with alka-seltzer tablets.
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squeezes habanero pepper juice into {user}'s tub of vaseline.
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forces {user} to learn the Win32 API.
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gives {user} an atomic wedgie.
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ties {user} to a chair and forces them to listen to 'N Sync at full blast.
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forces {user} to use notepad for text editing.
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frowns at {user} really, really hard.
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jabs a hot lighter into {user}'s eye sockets.
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forces {user} to browse the web with IE6.
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takes {user} out at the knees with a broken pool cue.
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forces {user} to listen to emo music.
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lets a few creepers into {user}'s house.
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signs {user} up for the Iowa State Ferret Legging Championship.
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attempts to hotswap {user}'s RAM.
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dragon punches {user}.
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puts railroad spikes into {user}'s side.
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replaces {user}'s lubricant with liquid weld.
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replaces {user}'s stress pills with rat poison pellets.
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replaces {user}'s itch cream with hair removal cream.
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does the Australian Death Grip on {user}.
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dances upon the grave of {user}'s ancestors.
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farts loudly in {user}'s general direction.
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flogs {user} with stinging nettle.
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hands {user} a poison ivy joint.
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