232 lines
9.6 KiB
Python
232 lines
9.6 KiB
Python
from util import hook
|
|
import re
|
|
import random
|
|
|
|
|
|
slaps = ["slaps <who> with a <item>.",
|
|
"slaps <who> around a bit with a <item>.",
|
|
"throws a <item> at <who>.",
|
|
"chucks a few <item>s at <who>.",
|
|
"grabs a <item> and throws it in <who>'s face.",
|
|
"launches a <item> in <who>'s general direction.",
|
|
"sits on <who>'s face, while slamming a <item> into their crotch.",
|
|
"holds <who> down and repeatedly whacks them with a <item>.",
|
|
"prods <who> with a flaming <item>.",
|
|
"picks up a <item>, and whacks <who> with it.",
|
|
"ties <who> to a chair and throws a <item> at them.",
|
|
"hits <who> on the head with a <item>."]
|
|
|
|
items = ["cast iron skillet",
|
|
"large trout",
|
|
"baseball bat",
|
|
"wooden cane",
|
|
"CRT monitor",
|
|
"diamond sword",
|
|
"physics textbook",
|
|
"television",
|
|
"mau5head",
|
|
"five ton truck",
|
|
"roll of duct tape",
|
|
"book",
|
|
"cobblestone block",
|
|
"lava bucket",
|
|
"rubber chicken",
|
|
"gold block",
|
|
"fire extinguisher",
|
|
"heavy rock",
|
|
"chunk of dirt"]
|
|
|
|
larts = ["swaps <who>'s shampoo with glue.",
|
|
"installs Windows on <who>'s computer.",
|
|
"forces <who> to use perl for 3 weeks.",
|
|
"registers <who>'s name with 50 known spammers.",
|
|
"resizes <who>'s console to 40x24.",
|
|
"takes <who>'s drink.",
|
|
"dispenses <who>'s email address to a few hundred 'bulk mailing services'.",
|
|
"pokes <who> in the eye.",
|
|
"beats <who> senseless with a 50lb Linux manual.",
|
|
"cats /dev/random into <who>'s ear.",
|
|
"signs <who> up for AOL.",
|
|
"downvotes <who> on Reddit.",
|
|
"enrolls <who> in Visual Basic 101.",
|
|
"sporks <who>.",
|
|
"drops a truckload of support tickets on <who>.",
|
|
"judo chops <who>.",
|
|
"sets <who>'s resolution to 800x600.",
|
|
"formats <who>'s harddrive to fat12.",
|
|
"rm -rf's <who>.",
|
|
"stabs <who>.",
|
|
"makes <who> learn C++.",
|
|
"steals <who>'s mojo.",
|
|
"strangles <who> with a doohicky mouse cord.",
|
|
"whacks <who> with the cluebat.",
|
|
"sells <who> on EBay.",
|
|
"drops creepers on <who>'s house.",
|
|
"throws all of <who>'s diamond gear into lava.",
|
|
"uses <who> as a biological warfare study.",
|
|
"uses the 'Customer Appreciation Bat' on <who>.",
|
|
"puts <who> in the Total Perspective Vortex.",
|
|
"casts <who> into the fires of Mt. Doom.",
|
|
"gives <who> a melvin.",
|
|
"turns <who> over to the Fun Police.",
|
|
"turns over <who> to Agent Smith to be 'bugged'.",
|
|
"takes away <who>'s internet connection.",
|
|
"pushes <who> past the Shoe Event Horizon.",
|
|
"counts '1, 2, 5... er... 3!' and hurls the Holy Handgrenade Of Antioch at <who>.",
|
|
"puts <who> in a nest of camel spiders.",
|
|
"makes <who> read slashdot at -1.",
|
|
"puts 'alias vim=emacs' in <who>'s /etc/profile.",
|
|
"uninstalls every web browser from <who>'s system.",
|
|
"locks <who> in the Chateau d'If.",
|
|
"signs <who> up for getting hit on the head lessons.",
|
|
"makes <who> try to set up a Lexmark printer.",
|
|
"fills <who>'s eyedrop bottle with lime juice.",
|
|
"casts <who> into the fires of Mt. Doom.",
|
|
"gives <who> a Flying Dutchman.",
|
|
"rips off <who>'s arm, and uses it to beat them to death.",
|
|
"pierces <who>'s nose with a rusty paper hole puncher.",
|
|
"pokes <who> with a rusty nail.",
|
|
"puts sugar between <who>'s bedsheets.",
|
|
"pours sand into <who>'s breakfast.",
|
|
"mixes epoxy into <who>'s toothpaste.",
|
|
"puts Icy-Hot in <who>'s lube container.",
|
|
"straps <who> to a chair, and plays a endless low bitrate MP3 loop of \"the world's most annoying sound\" from \"Dumb and Dumber\".",
|
|
"tells Dr. Dre that <who> was talking smack.",
|
|
"forces <who> to use a Commodore 64 for all their word processing.",
|
|
"smacks <who> in the face with a burlap sack full of broken glass.",
|
|
"puts <who> in a room with several heavily armed manic depressives.",
|
|
"makes <who> watch reruns of \"Blue's Clues\".",
|
|
"puts lye in <who>'s coffee.",
|
|
"introduces <who> to the clue-by-four.",
|
|
"tattoos the Windows symbol on <who>'s ass.",
|
|
"lets Borg have his way with <who>.",
|
|
"signs <who> up for line dancing classes at the local senior center.",
|
|
"wakes <who> out of a sound sleep with some brand new nipple piercings.",
|
|
"gives <who> a 2 gauge Prince Albert.",
|
|
"forces <who> to eat all their veggies.",
|
|
"covers <who>'s toilet paper with lemon-pepper.",
|
|
"fills <who>'s ketchup bottle with Dave's Insanity sauce.",
|
|
"forces <who> to stare at an incredibly frustrating and seemingly never-ending IRC political debate.",
|
|
"knocks two of <who>'s teeth out with a 2x4.",
|
|
"removes Debian from <who>'s system.",
|
|
"switches <who> over to CentOS.",
|
|
"uses <who>'s iPod for skeet shooting practice.",
|
|
"gives <who>'s phone number to Borg.",
|
|
"posts <who>'s IP, username(s), and password(s) on 4chan.",
|
|
"forces <who> to use words like 'irregardless' and 'administrate' (thereby sounding like a real dumbass).",
|
|
"tickles <who> until they wet their pants and pass out.",
|
|
"replaces <who>'s KY with elmer's clear wood glue.",
|
|
"replaces <who>'s TUMS with alka-seltzer tablets.",
|
|
"squeezes habanero pepper juice into <who>'s tub of vaseline.",
|
|
"forces <who> to learn the Win32 API.",
|
|
"gives <who> an atomic wedgie.",
|
|
"ties <who> to a chair and forces them to listen to 'N Sync at full blast.",
|
|
"forces <who> to use notepad for text editing.",
|
|
"frowns at <who> really, really hard.",
|
|
"jabs a hot lighter into <who>'s eye sockets.",
|
|
"forces <who> to browse the web with IE6.",
|
|
"takes <who> out at the knees with a broken pool cue.",
|
|
"forces <who> to listen to emo music.",
|
|
"lets a few creepers into <who>'s house.",
|
|
"signs <who> up for the Iowa State Ferret Legging Championship.",
|
|
"attempts to hotswap <who>'s RAM.",
|
|
"dragon punches <who>.",
|
|
"puts railroad spikes into <who>'s side.",
|
|
"replaces <who>'s Astroglide with JB Weld.",
|
|
"replaces <who>'s stress pills with rat poison pellets.",
|
|
"replaces <who>'s crotch itch cream with Nair.",
|
|
"does the Australian Death Grip on <who>.",
|
|
"dances upon the grave of <who>'s ancestors.",
|
|
"farts in <who>'s general direction.",
|
|
"flogs <who> with stinging nettle.",
|
|
"intoduces <who> to the Knights who say Ni.",
|
|
"assigns all of the permissions tickets on the BeastNode support system to <who>.",
|
|
"hands <who> a poison ivy joint."]
|
|
|
|
|
|
kills = ["rips off <who>'s <body> and leaves them to die.",
|
|
"grabs <who>'s head and rips it clean off their body.",
|
|
"grabs a machine gun and riddles <who>'s body with bullets.",
|
|
"sends The Terminator on a mission to retrieve <who>'s <body>.",
|
|
"gags and ties <who> then throws them off a bridge.",
|
|
"crushes <who> with a huge spiked boulder.",
|
|
"glares at <who> until they die of boredom.",
|
|
"stuffs a few TNT blocks under <who>'s bed and sets them off.",
|
|
"shivs <who> in the <body>.",
|
|
"rams a rocket launcher up <who>'s ass and lets off a few rounds.",
|
|
"crushes <who>'s skull in with a spiked mace.",
|
|
"unleashes the armies of Isengard on <who>.",
|
|
"packs <who> into a SVN repo.",
|
|
"slices <who>'s <body> off with a Katana.",
|
|
"throws <who> to Cthulu!",
|
|
"feeds <who> to an owlbear.",
|
|
"turns <who> into a snail and salts them.",
|
|
"snacks on <who>'s <body>.",
|
|
"puts <who> into a sack, throws the sack in the river, and hurls the river into space.",
|
|
"goes bowling with <who>'s head.",
|
|
"uses <who>'s <body> as a back-scratcher.",
|
|
"sends <who> to /dev/null!",
|
|
"feeds <who> coke and mentos till they pop!"]
|
|
|
|
|
|
body = ['head',
|
|
'arms',
|
|
'leg',
|
|
'arm',
|
|
'"special parts"']
|
|
|
|
|
|
@hook.command
|
|
def slap(inp, me=None, nick=None, input=None, notice=None):
|
|
".slap <user> -- Makes the bot slap <user>."
|
|
inp = inp.strip()
|
|
|
|
if not re.match("^[A-Za-z0-9_|.-\]\[]*$", inp.lower()):
|
|
notice("Invalid username!")
|
|
return
|
|
|
|
if inp == input.conn.nick.lower() or inp == "itself":
|
|
target = re.sub ('<who>', nick, random.choice(slaps))
|
|
else:
|
|
target = re.sub ('<who>', inp, random.choice(slaps))
|
|
msg = re.sub ('<item>', random.choice(items), target)
|
|
me(msg)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
@hook.command
|
|
def lart(inp, me=None, nick=None, input=None, notice=None):
|
|
".lart <user> -- Makes the bot LART <user>."
|
|
inp = inp.strip()
|
|
|
|
if not re.match("^[A-Za-z0-9_|.-\]\[]*$", inp.lower()):
|
|
notice("Invalid username!")
|
|
return
|
|
|
|
if inp == input.conn.nick.lower() or inp == "itself":
|
|
target = nick
|
|
else:
|
|
target = inp
|
|
msg = re.sub ('<who>', target, random.choice(larts))
|
|
me(msg)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
@hook.command
|
|
def kill(inp, me=None, nick=None, input=None, notice=None):
|
|
".kill <user> -- Makes the bot kill <user>."
|
|
inp = inp.strip()
|
|
|
|
if not re.match("^[A-Za-z0-9_|.-\]\[]*$", inp.lower()):
|
|
notice("Invalid username!")
|
|
return
|
|
|
|
if inp == input.conn.nick.lower() or inp == "itself":
|
|
target = nick
|
|
else:
|
|
target = inp
|
|
msg = random.choice(kills)
|
|
msg = re.sub ('<who>', target, msg)
|
|
msg = re.sub ('<body>', random.choice(body), msg)
|
|
me(msg)
|