smacks {user} in the face with a burlap sack full of broken glass.
swaps {user}'s shampoo with glue.
installs Windows Vista on {user}'s computer.
forces {user} to use perl for 3 weeks.
registers {user}'s name with 50 known spammers.
resizes {user}'s console to 40x24.
takes {user}'s drink.
dispenses {user}'s email address to a few hundred 'bulk mailing services'.
pokes {user} in the eye.
beats {user} senseless with a 50lb Linux manual.
cats /dev/random into {user}'s ear.
signs {user} up for AOL.
downvotes {user} on Reddit.
enrolls {user} in Visual Basic 101.
sporks {user}.
drops a truckload of support tickets on {user}.
judo chops {user}.
sets {user}'s resolution to 800x600.
formats {user}'s harddrive to fat12.
rm -rf's {user}.
stabs {user}.
makes {user} learn C++.
steals {user}'s mojo.
strangles {user} with a doohicky mouse cord.
whacks {user} with the cluebat.
sells {user} on EBay.
drops creepers on {user}'s house.
throws all of {user}'s diamond gear into lava.
uses {user} as a biological warfare study.
uses the 'Customer Appreciation Bat' on {user}.
puts {user} in the Total Perspective Vortex.
casts {user} into the fires of Mt. Doom.
gives {user} a melvin.
turns {user} over to the Fun Police.
turns over {user} to Agent Smith to be 'bugged'.
takes away {user}'s internet connection.
pushes {user} past the Shoe Event Horizon.
counts '1, 2, 5... er... 3!' and hurls the Holy Handgrenade Of Antioch at {user}.
puts {user} in a nest of camel spiders.
puts 'alias vim=emacs' in {user}'s /etc/profile.
uninstalls every web browser from {user}'s system.
signs {user} up for getting hit on the head lessons.
makes {user} try to set up a Lexmark printer.
fills {user}'s eyedrop bottle with lime juice.
casts {user} into the fires of Mt. Doom.
gives {user} a Flying Dutchman.
rips off {user}'s arm, and uses it to beat them to death.
pierces {user}'s nose with a rusty paper hole puncher.
pokes {user} with a rusty nail.
puts sugar between {user}'s bedsheets.
pours sand into {user}'s breakfast.
mixes epoxy into {user}'s toothpaste.
puts Icy-Hot in {user}'s lube container.
forces {user} to use a Commodore 64 for all their word processing.
puts {user} in a room with several heavily armed manic depressives.
makes {user} watch reruns of "Blue's Clues".
puts lye in {user}'s coffee.
tattoos the Windows symbol on {user}'s ass.
lets Borg have his way with {user}.
signs {user} up for line dancing classes at the local senior center.
wakes {user} out of a sound sleep with some brand new nipple piercings.
gives {user} a 2 gauge Prince Albert.
forces {user} to eat all their veggies.
covers {user}'s toilet paper with lemon-pepper.
fills {user}'s ketchup bottle with Dave's Insanity sauce.
forces {user} to stare at an incredibly frustrating and seemingly never-ending IRC political debate.
knocks two of {user}'s teeth out with a 2x4.
removes Debian from {user}'s system.
switches {user} over to CentOS.
uses {user}'s iPod for skeet shooting practice.
gives {user}'s phone number to Borg.
posts {user}'s IP, username(s), and password(s) on 4chan.
forces {user} to use words like 'irregardless' and 'administrate' (thereby sounding like a real dumbass).
tickles {user} until they wet their pants and pass out.
replaces {user}'s KY with elmer's clear wood glue.
replaces {user}'s TUMS with alka-seltzer tablets.
squeezes habanero pepper juice into {user}'s tub of vaseline.
forces {user} to learn the Win32 API.
gives {user} an atomic wedgie.
ties {user} to a chair and forces them to listen to 'N Sync at full blast.
forces {user} to use notepad for text editing.
frowns at {user} really, really hard.
jabs a hot lighter into {user}'s eye sockets.
forces {user} to browse the web with IE6.
takes {user} out at the knees with a broken pool cue.
forces {user} to listen to emo music.
lets a few creepers into {user}'s house.
signs {user} up for the Iowa State Ferret Legging Championship.
attempts to hotswap {user}'s RAM.
dragon punches {user}.
puts railroad spikes into {user}'s side.
replaces {user}'s lubricant with liquid weld.
replaces {user}'s stress pills with rat poison pellets.
replaces {user}'s itch cream with hair removal cream.
does the Australian Death Grip on {user}.
dances upon the grave of {user}'s ancestors.
farts loudly in {user}'s general direction.
flogs {user} with stinging nettle.
hands {user} a poison ivy joint.
